The other day I was hanging out by the pool with my one eyed dog, Wink, when a bug whisked in and landed on his unsuspecting ear. Of course I intervened and flapped the creature off, only to realize it was a ladybird. The second I realized my mistake, I felt like an asshole because I had literally swatted away an opportunity to make a wish.
Woah. Didn’t see that coming? Me either. I couldn’t believe my own lame fear of creepy crawlies was such an instinctual habit that I didn’t even realize I was doing it until it was too late. Maybe I was a little hazy, but I really started thinking about how this was such an amazing moment that teach me about my own self limiting behaviors.
How many times have I missed the opportunities I was begging for because of my fears? How many times have I pushed someone I love and think is as beautiful as a lady bird away because of ingrained behaviors? A lot. I’ve been in a deeply reflective place for about six months- I’m talking dedicated my life to learning about energy, meditating til I levitate, got certified in reiki, and faced my childhood traumas in a very real way. But it wasn’t until a gentle moment in nature took me by surprise that this lesson clicked for me.
As we all know when it rains it pours, and I certainly had a rough twelve months that felt like they were going to kill me. Luckily my marriage has the most solid foundation, because my man also had the roughest year of his life at the same time. He couldn’t talk for almost five months, like at all. So at a time when we needed each other most, we lost communication. And even though we were physically together 99.9% of the time, we had few ways to connect and support each other. Over time I started to take his silence personally, which was completely the opposite of the case. I began to think ‘wow I must be so uninteresting if my partner doesn’t want to find a new way to communicate with me. He must hate me, or want nothing to do with me. It’s happened before and of course it will happen again’. This couldn’t have been father from the truth. Long story short, my triggers of being abandoned flicked on because the love of my life couldn’t talk to me, both of us depressed AF and withdrawn into ourselves. The protective shield I had forged around me to save my ass in the past was on full force, and I ended up completely pushing him away.
Back to the moral of the ladybird story. My habits I have picked up because of my life experiences, such as being afraid of bugs and abandonment, are things I can learn to let go of if only I try to take a second to look at the situation before I make a rash decsion. At least this way I can screen if it’s something I want to keep far away from me, say like a spider, and what is an opportunity to take me to my dreams, such as my husband (or a ladybird).
PS my marriage has never been stronger since I've started on my self transformation journey!
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